Os Brasileiros são gordos, feios e são horríveis no futebol / Brazilians are fat and ulgy and terrible at football

Don’t be so stupid!, of course they are not shit at football…

So the day started off like any other, well..until I opened my eyes that is. I realised I wasn’t in my own room, or bed for that matter, actually I wasn’t in anything familiar. My body felt ragged. I was staring at a large ceiling fan going around and around, which I thought was kind of funky, I felt like I was in one of those cool black and white movies with Humphrey Bogart…playing it all again…except I wasn’t playing all again Sam, I was playing it for the first time.

It was the first time to wake up to an already sunny, hot day in Rio De Janeiro. ‘Vanessa’ (not my real girlfriends name) was lying beside me, with half a sheet covering her body. It was too early to be waking up.. in any country, I fuckn love jet-leg.  My idea of arriving into Brazil, during the day, staying awake, then going out at night and drinking 25 estupidamente  gelado cervejas in Lapa…hoping to sleep like a king didn’t actually work, but hey!, am I going to blame myself for this miscalculation?…no no no, as always, I will blame somebody else..like TAP airlines for example. Oh oh, here’s a tangent, I can hear you all saying, well, yes, you would all be right.

In Lisbon airport, we were getting our connecting flight. The desk opened and everyone as usual swarmed around the ground crew like hyenas and handed over their boarding passes, we proceeded downstairs and got onto the bus that would take us to our death..I’m only joking, (dramatic don’t you think) but it always seems like that to me, it seems like we are being transported to a mother ship, like in “V”, when they are all going for a tour of Diana’s ship, and they are buzzing with excitement, looking around them like happy spa’s.  Unbeknownst to them is that Diana is exercising her jaw muscles getting ready to gobble up the happy humans.

So we are on the bus, and 30 minutes later we`re still on the bus. I’m not happy. The thing is,  I understand when things go wrong, especially when it comes to flying, Im constantly amazed that something as big as this can actually get into the sky, so I appreciate if something goes wrong…what I don’t appreciate it, is bad service, e.g. nobody was telling us what was going on. We were then told to go back upstairs, the ground crew had to look for our boarding passes and return them to us, so the getting back up the stairs fiasco was proving difficult. At this stage I was really pissed off, so I got this guys attention and what Im telling you know is the truth in what he told me…

“a piece of the aircraft has fallen off ..Sir”.

“…. we are looking for a replacement piece now..Sir”.

Everyone beside could hear him, including the 85-year-old granny and her great granddaughter who was about 8.

“are you fuckn joking?”. I said. I looked around me, people were looking at me waiting for a response, as if I should be the hero or something.

“so you guys are still planning on using this ..aircraft that has bits falling off then?”

“as soon as we find a replacement part Sir, of course”

“..and then, what?, glue it back on ?”

“Exactly Sir”. He said with a reassuring smile. Like we finally understood each other or something, and we were going to be best mates forever

We did get on the mother ship eventually and the wings did stay on, and I drank 6 Jack & coke’s.

Back in Rio, we shower and breakfast, and jump in one of the many cabs we got to get around Rio de Janeiro, we were going straight to Ipanema beach, I had come from a long winter in Barcelona, and was desperate for sun, beach, a swim, and 10 more freezing-cold beers.

I have travelled a little, from the Gold Coast and the Great Barrier reef of Oz, to the stunning islands of Malaysia & Thailand. So I have sat my ass on a lot of beaches. Ipanema beach is one of the best city beaches I have ever been on, It’s spotlessly clean, the waves are huge, the water is clear, and the landscape to the left and right is impressive…jungle meeting sea, what more could you want.

Ipanema Beach, Rio de Janeiro

And then you add the additional man-made objects, like kiosks, people for example.

Once you set foot on the beaches in Rio, its business time.  There are hundreds of this tents running parallel to each other, along the beach, that are solely there for making your day at the beach better. So you choose a spot in the beach, and within 1.5 seconds, there is someone waving at you, and he will attend you forthwith. You are just about to make a beach contract. Each of these tents have their own name, uniform and character. When you do business with one, you stay with that one. They will see to your every need, drink, food, cigarettes, they’d probably even scratch your balls if you ask them nicely. It’s great, and the guys that run the tents are funny, always have time for a chat, and always finish with a joke.

But you know what’s I found funny, people are sitting up on the beach, on chairs I mean, not lying down on the sand or  loungers even, everyone is sitting up and talking or reading or just gawking around. Every single beach I had been on before, people were always lying down soaking up every ounce of heat they could, but it seemed like here, in Rio anyways, people wanted more than just a tan, they wanted to see what was going on around them. Everyone was either talking to their friends, or talking on their mobiles, or reading, or just have a good gawk around them. , but everyone, and I mean everyone was drinking beer!. Also, normally on beaches everyone is wearing sun glasses, well there weren’t that many with shades being worn to be honest, and I even noticed people taking them off every now and again, especially if they were talking to people. I also noticed this in the cafe’s , bars and restaurants, everyone that had shades on, removed them before they entered, this I really liked, its respect isn’t it?, I can’t stand talking to people who are wearing their shades. In Europe, in the summer, people wear them to bed..it’s very important to be cool looking in Europe.  I remember one time (in band camp..) in Barcelona my friend (lets call her ‘Monica’). Monica got her bag robbed, it had the usual in it, but out of everything, she was more concerned about loosing her sunglasses than she was her phone, her wallet, her diary.

The most impressive thing that I saw in Rio was this; people exercising everywhere. We nearly got run down by a couple of runners, and these weren’t back snatchers, these were people actually running to stay fit.

“Lunatics”, I thought to myself.

“What are they doing, it’s about a million degrees Celsius!”

Sit down, your shit!, even with 2 balls.

But seriously, isn’t this a third world country?, what are you all doing?, aren’t you all meant to be not-working and doing nothing, except drinking from brown paper bags and smoking 10 packs of fag’s a day?.   And on the beach, it was another sportive scene, I had never seen so many different types of sports being played before, there were more balls in the air than a Chinese National Ping Pong tournament.Football, paddle, volleyball, frescobol, going on everywhere!, both guys and girls, there was even a group in front of me, that were passing around 2 footballs at the same .

Yes, Brazilians are shit at football!. Everyone around me was so physically fit, there were gorgeous looking bodies everywhere, all toned, hard, and tanned. The fattest and ugliest person sitting on the beach was the pale blue Irish man, a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I had never been so conscious of myself before. I immediately put out the fag in my beer jumped up and start playing football, and proceeded to play for the next 2 hours, then I joined a group of lovely ladies for a session of volleyball!..…yeah yeah, as If I would ever waste a beer…fuck that I was on holiday. But seriously, it was very impressive to see all this activity going on around me. Moreover, I couldn’t see anyone smoking!, if you sit on the beaches on Barcelona, you’ll end up a plucking cigarettes butts out of your ass. Everyone is Spain smokes!. You could go into a packed bar here, and have problems finding a smoker. Brazilians like to look after themselves. I was really surprised.

Belo Horizonte is inland, it’s a good 8 hours drive to Rio, but here, they are also health freaks. The gyms are called Academy’s, and there are over 300 in Bh, take into consideration that” Club Minas” which is the biggest, its kind of like a country club…without the country, they have 3 branches in the city which resemble small towns. There are 70,000 members in ‘Club Minas’….70,000! There are still 299 other academies in Bh, so basically in a city of 2.5 million, everyone is working out!…except for the fat Irish man with the beer and the cigarette.

It’s impressionable, every morning I walk to Saô Bento (it’s a 40 minute walk from Savassi, where we live, so it’s not bad people, I’m trying!), you walk up the last hill, and into a canyon like area of fitness freaks!,  it’s 7.45 in the morning, there are 100 people walking or running around the lake, the air is vibrating with the sound of techno music coming from the nearby academies, and with all this Adidas and  Nike and track suits every where, it reminds me of The Square shopping Centre, Tallaght, Dublin, and trust me on this one, I’m from Tallaght, and if we were running, it means we were being chased by someone.

So I have been trying to figure out why you are all so keen in fitness, I know it’s not the buzz of the Olympics or anything, so what is it?, and then one day while I was getting a coffee, it clicked…this is the reason:

You all have a sweet tooth!,

You love to eat sweet things, Paô de queijo (cheese bread) and sweet coffee for breakfast, a little chocolate pastels after lunch, or a dollop of that irresistible Doce de leite (caramel milk) . If that’s not enough, how about spending a saturday afternoon at a Pasteleria watching “footyball” and gulping down such grease packers as fried pastry stuffed with chicken or shrimp or beef, and swallowed down with 10 beers!. Therefore Bh, therefore Brasil, you need your 300+ gyms in a city!, you need to get up at 6am, and run around that lake 50 times, in order to get rid of all that fat that would accumulate after throwing 6 bags of sugar down your throats, otherwise yes, you would all be fat and ugly!.

‘Pero gente’, dont get me wrong, I love this about you!,I love it!. Because I love to fuckn eat!. “Thank god I work”, I say to my girlfriend all the time, because if I didn’t,  I would be there sitting in “O Rey do Pastel”, one night with my Atletico buddies, another with my Cruzero buddies, the following with  my Americo buddies throwing  numerous pastels down my gob.

So Belo Horizonte, I salute you!, thanks a million for introducing me to these great treats that you have and making me 5 kilos heavier. Muito muito obrigado!. I just have to do the other thing you do..you know..exerice, and I’ll be in.

By the way, as always, I was exaggerating earlier, as If I would ever seat with a Cruzero fan!!!.

Brazilian pastel & Cerveja.Perfeito.

Brazilian pastel & Cerveja.Perfeito.

Right!, how is anybody suppose to say no to that!.

The famous Paô de Queijo, cafe e um doce


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