Meeting Brazil’s National Hero…and he’s not a footballer / Conheça o herói nacional brasileiro: não é um jogador de futebol

(Veja traduçao em português abaixo do texto em inglês)

“Brazil to save the US and Europe from deepening crisis. Ouro Preto, home of 10 million habitants, home of the Brazilian government, and the capital of the richest country on earth, announced today that they will again come to the aid of Europe and the United States by lending their struggling economies an estimated $100billion.

The rest of the world can breathe a sign of relief, and say graças a Deus that Brazil’s economy is crisis-less. But maybe even more thanks needs to be given to the real hero, a man who died over 200 years ago. A man who had become sick and tired of the raping and the pillaging of Brazil by the invading and thieving Portuguese.

Joaquim José da Silva Xavier, (nicknamed Tiradentes, ‘tooth puller’ for his dentistry skills) led a coup which was to change the course of world history for ever. Tiradentes, together with poets, priests, military personnel, and even slaves revolted against their Portuguese oppressors and eventually forced them out of Brazil and back to Europe. After the successful uprising, Tiradents proclaimed Brazil a republic, and Vila Rica de Ouro Preto was declared the capital. And since this glorious day, Brazil has remembered its greatest hero with a national holiday celebrated on the day of his death, on April 21st. But who knows, was it not for Tiradentes maybe the Portuguese would have robbed all of Brazil’s precious gold, and Brazil may have not have become the strongest economy in the world today…..”

…………………………………………………………………………

Ah, it would have been nice if it were true folks, would it not? But unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be, and Tiradentes at only 45 years was betrayed and imprisoned, and finally hung, drawn and just to be sure to be sure he was dead, was quartered, and his head put on display in Ouro Preto.

As a foreigner living here in Belo Horizonte, Brazil, I have wondered about this story. What were all you Brazilians actually doing while all this raping and pillaging of your land was going on? Brazil is a 100 times bigger than Portugal in size and in population. Could you not just have got together and beat them all up?. How could Brazil have lost to Portugal? It’s like a Rottweiler getting beat up by Chihuahua. For me, this is the real untold story. Well, to find out, I did some research, made a time machine, travelled back in time and spoke to Tiradentes just before they cut him up.

“Mr. Tiradents, yes sir, down here, my name is Keith Duffy, and I’m from Ireland sir. Listen, I’ve travelled back in time to talk to you. I’m writing a blog.”

“Hey Kif*, how’s it going?”

(*Brazilian’s have problems pronouncing my name….it’s an ongoing saga)

“It’s Keith actually. But I’m good yeah thanks, slightly better than your good self, Mr.Tiradentes. I’m sorry to hear about the coup thing, do you mind me asking before they hang ya, and cut you up, what really happened, the history books say you were betrayed, sir.”

“Are they going to cut me up?!”

“Sorry… I thought you knew that part. I’m in a bit of a rush.”

“Not at all, Kif. Well as you know, the day of the coup was scheduled for the day we pay the derrama, you know, the tax on the gold the bastards have us paying. It was in February. So it was all planned, we had loads of support, all my buddies, slaves and all.”

“What happened?”

“Everybody legged it.”

“Why? Did they get scared?”

“No, it wasn’t that, sure every one loves a good uprising.”

“Well, then what was the problem?”

“Unbeknownst to me, they had requested some days off, packed up their shackles and their beans, and went to Rio.”

“Rio? Sure, what was happening in Rio?”

“Carnival.”

“Ah, for fuck’s sake, Mr. Tiradentes! Sure even I know that it’s hard enough to get Brazilians working during carnival let alone asking them to mount a rebellion, sir.”

I know, I know, sure I wasn’t thinking. I was kind of busy. But to be honest with you, Kif, they were probably better off, we weren’t very well equipped. Spears and stones are no match against guns and canons, and yes, the history books are correct, in the end I was indeed betrayed by one of my own men in exchange for not paying his derrama, can you believe it? Bastard.”

“Listen Mr.Tiradentes, don’t be so down. I have great news for you. In about 30 years or so, Brazil becomes a republic and finally gets its independence and the Portuguese feck off back home from whence they came, you’re a hero. There is a national holiday in you in your name, and they even named a town after you!”

“Fuck off, are you serious? They’ve named a town after me? That’s great news, Kif, wow, I am a hero. Did we invade Portugal after?”

“I think that was the idea, and then somebody suggested a quick football match and sure that was the end off that.”

“We do like our football, Kif. Well, that changes everything; I can go to my grave a happy man. Thank you, you’ve made my day.”

“Well to be fair Mr.Tiradentes, your day wasn’t getting any worse. Listen, I’ve to get back to the future, I’ve got to the do shopping. But it’s been a real pleasure Mr.Tiradentes. See ya!”

“Oi Kif, before you go, how did you boys get on in Ireland, did you get your freedom from those English… feckers, as you Irish would say?”

“We did Sir. Finally, after 800 years. It was brought on by a man very much like your self, an intellect, a soldier, and a hero, who in the end was also betrayed by his own countrymen and subsequently murdered at 31 years of age, sir.”

“Tell me his name; sure I’ll have a chat with him when he arrives upstairs, if you know what I mean.”

“His name is Michael Collins sir. And will you tell him that he is Ireland’s greatest hero, and that he did do the right thing! He hasn’t died in vain, we are at peace. There are still Protestants living there, but sure no place is perfect.”

“It will be a pleasure to meet him, Kif, I’ll pass on the message. I bet you, he also has a town and a national holiday named after him too, does he?”

“Even better than that, sir… he has about a thousand bars named after him!”

___________________________________________________________

Photos below the Portuguese Text

___________________________________________________________

“Brazil salva Estados Unidos e Europa da crise. Ouro Preto, cidade com 10 milhões de habitantes, sede do governo brasileiro e capital do país mais rico do mundo, anunciou hoje que mais uma vez irá socorrer a Europa e os Estados Unidos, emprestando aos países que sofrem com a crise um total estimado em 100 bilhões de dólares.

O resto do mundo pode respirar aliviado, e dizer graças a Deus que a economia brasileira é à prova de crises. Mas talvez ainda mais merecido é o agradecimento ao verdadeiro herói, um homem que morreu há 200 anos. Um homem que estava farto do estupro e pilhagem do Brasil pelos invasores e ladrões portugueses.

Joaquim José da Silva Xavier (conhecido como Tiradentes pelos seus talentos odontológicos) liderou um golpe que iria mudar o curso da história para sempre. Tiradentes, acompanhado de poetas, padres, militares e até mesmo escravos, se revoltou contra os opressores portugueses e levou-os a deixar o país. Depois da rebelião bem-sucedida, Tiradentes transformou o Brasil em uma República, e Vila Rica de Ouro Preto foi proclamada capital. E desde este dia glorioso, o Brasil se lembra do seu mais importante herói com um feriado nacional no dia de sua morte, 21 de abril. Quem sabe, se não fosse por Tiradentes, os portugueses teriam levado todo o precioso ouro do país, e o Brasil não teria se tornado a mais potente economia do mundo…”

 

…………………………………………………………………………

Ah, seria bom se fosse verdade, amigos, não é mesmo? Mas, infelizmente, não era para ser, e Tiradentes, com apenas 45 anos de idade, foi traído e preso, e finalmente enforcado e, só para se ter certeza de que ele estava morto, esquartejado, e sua cabeça foi erguida em um poste em Ouro Preto.

Eu, um estrangeiro morando aqui em Belo Horizonte, fiquei pensando sobre essa história. O que estavam todos os brasileiros fazendo quando o estupro e pilhagem de sua terra aconteciam? O Brasil é 100 vezes mais do que Portugal, tanto em tamanho quanto em população. Não era possível “juntar para cima deles”? Como pôde o Brasil perder para Portugal? É como se um Rottweiler fosse espancado por um Chihuahua. Para mim, essa é a verdadeira história que não foi contada. Bem, para ter certeza, eu fiz algumas pesquisas, inventei uma máquina do tempo. Viajei para o passado e conversei com Tiradentes, pouco antes de ele ser esquartejado.

“Sr. Tiradentes, sim, o senhor aí embaixo, meu nome é Keith Duffy e eu sou irlandês. Escute, eu viajei no tempo para conversar com o senhor. Estou escrevendo um blog.”

“Oi, Kif, tudo bem?”

“Estou um pouco melhor do que o senhor, Sr. Tiradentes. Lamento em saber sobre o golpe, e você se importaria em responder, antes de ser esquartejado, o que realmente aconteceu? Os livros de história dizem que o senhor foi traído.”

“Eu vou ser esquartejado?!”

“Ah, perdão, eu achei que o senhor soubesse disso. Estou com um pouco de pressa.”

“Sem problemas, Kif. Como você bem sabe, o dia do golpe seria o dia da derrama, o dia do imposto sobre o ouro que aqueles bastardos nos obrigavam a pagar. Era em fevereiro. Então, estava tudo planejado, tínhamos apoio de muita gente, meus amigos, escravos e tudo.”

“Todo mundo fugiu.”

“Por quê? Eles ficaram com medo?”

“Não, não foi isso, claro que todo mundo adora uma revolução.”

“Então qual foi o problema?”

“Sem o meu conhecimento, eles pediram uns dias de folga, arrumaram as malas e foram para o Rio.”

“Rio? Mas o que estava acontecendo no Rio?”

“Carnaval.”

“Ah, puta merda, Sr. Tiradentes! Até eu sei que é muito difícil fazer os brasileiros trabalharem durante o carnaval, imagine fazer uma rebelião!”

“Eu sei, eu sei. Não sei onde eu estava com a cabeça. Estava meio ocupado.”

“Mas, escute, senhor. Em mais ou menos 30 anos o Brasil se transforma em uma república, proclama a independência e os portugueses voltam correndo para o lugar de onde eles vieram, você é um herói! Tem até um feriado com o seu nome, e eles até deram o seu nome para uma cidade!”

“Puta merda, você está falando sério? Tem uma cidade com o meu nome? São ótimas notícias, Kif, uau, eu sou um herói. E depois nós invadimos Portugal?”

“Acho que essa era a ideia, mas alguém sugeriu uma partida de futebol e todos se esqueceram do resto.”

“É, nós gostamos mesmo de futebol, Kif. Bem, isso muda tudo; eu posso ir feliz para o túmulo. Obrigado, você fez o meu dia.”

“Bem, para ser sincero, Sr. Tiradentes, seu dia não iria ficar pior de qualquer forma. Eu tenho que voltar para o futuro, tenho compras para fazer. Mas foi um grande prazer, Sr. Tiradentes! Até mais!”

“Ei, Kif, antes de você ir, como aconteceu com vocês lá na Irlanda, vocês conseguiram a independência daqueles… como vocês irlandeses dizem? Daqueles ingleses… feckers?”

“Conseguimos sim senhor, depois de 800 anos. Através de um homem muito parecido com o senhor, um intelectual, um soldado, e um herói, que no fim também foi traído por seus compatriotas e morreu com apenas 31 anos de idade, senhor.”

“Diga-me o nome dele, com certeza vou conversar com ele quando ele chegar lá em cima, se é que você me entende.”

“O nome dele é Michael Collins. E, por favor, diga a ele que ele é o maior herói da Irlanda, e que ele fez a coisa certa! Ele não morreu em vão, estamos em paz. Ainda há alguns protestantes morando lá, mas nenhum lugar é perfeito.”

“Vai ser um prazer conhecê-lo, Kif. Eu darei o recado a ele. Aposto que ele também tem uma cidade com seu nome, e um feriado nacional, não?”

“Melhor do que isso, senhor… Tem uns mil bares com o nome dele!”

Traduzido por Adriano Gomes (gomesadriano@gmail.com)

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Comments
5 Responses to “Meeting Brazil’s National Hero…and he’s not a footballer / Conheça o herói nacional brasileiro: não é um jogador de futebol”
  1. Kevin says:

    Hi Keith,

    Great stuff, and nice analogy too. Didn’t know all that about the history of the day itself. Thanks for educating so entertainingly.

    Kev.

  2. Vamessa says:

    Keith,
    Sempre achei mesmo que você gostaria de trocar umas ideias com Tiradentes. Você escolhe bem seus amigos. Bela comparação com Michael Collins.

    Vanessa

  3. Oriol says:

    Great story Kiff*…It might be just amazing getting to know the old folks from that marvellous land which is Brazil…you forgot to tell him that Catalonia at the time had a hero such as him… But we still need another one in the future..hihi. Great pics from Ouro Preto…SALUDOS!!!

  4. Mel says:

    Deadly love the humour and ya learn something new every day you are good real good ! Keep it goin man.

  5. Lucio says:

    Hi Keith,

    Just a correction: the text in English seems to imply that Tiradentes was hung, drawn and quartered in the way done in England, with the poor victim kept alive during the process… But that was not the case among Portugal and its colonies, and so Tiradentes was hung till death and then quartered.

    As for Brazilians not revolting against Portugal, I don’t know if at the time the Brazilian population was even larger than that of Portugal; the country was very sparsely populated. Also, as far as we know there was no national identity, and most of the brazilians at the time identified themselves as subjects of the Portuguese Crown. (Indeed, arguably the Brazilian national identity started to develop only when the royal family moved to here and elevated Brazil to the status of Vice-Reign.) In fact, due to that lack of a national Brazilian identity of the time, the rebels really intended to free only the province of Minas Gerais, and not the whole of Brazil…

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